The Onion: Are Violent Games Adequately Preparing Kids For The Apocalypse?

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

Humor site The Onion asks whether violent games are doing enough to prepare our children for the coming Apocalypse.

Given the number of post-apocalyptic games, it may actually be a reasonable question…

Via: Kotaku

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  1. Zero Beat says:

    Get the neighbor who’s a bowhunter, my best friend whose entire family hunts, and head to the National Guard base that’s a half mile away and has tanks.  Use the vehicles to set up a perimeter until we can get a proper barricade, and have people head to get supplies in heavy vehicles as needed.  Also, I’m working on my shuriken skills and other Ninja stuff, so I think we’d make it out okay.


    "That’s not ironic. That’s justice."

  2. Zero Beat says:

    You know what would really suck?  If the apocalypse came the day before "I Am Alive" is released.  Then we miss out on our apocalypse survival simulator because we’re all dead.


    "That’s not ironic. That’s justice."

  3. Alex says:

    Obviously they’re not. We need PRE-apocalyptic games for that.

    "The apocalypse is coming. Will YOU be ready in time?"

    I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

  4. KaylaKaze says:

    The first time I ever drove in snow, I hit a bad patch of ice during a turn and my car started to spin, but my gaming training took over and I was immediately able to get the car back under control. I’ve heard of this being a fairly common situation with gamers.

  5. DarkTetsuya says:

    "At the same time with driving games, you learn how to counter-steer, drift, E-brake, and so forth."

    Yeah unfortunately, cause to this day I still pop in NFS: CARBON on occasion and tear up the drift events… there’s one course in particular I almost broke 500,000pts on, even though I probably couldn’t do it in real life 🙁

    300 Episodes and counting:

  6. mbellerbrock says:

    Aparently they aren’t teaching us basic spelling and sentence structure…

    Anyway, The Onion is great, that was funny.

  7. insanejedi says:

    To be serious, does anyone genuenly learn stuff from video games? Like I belive that this generation will either be the worst or best soilders in the world, or the best and worst drivers of the world. From games I learned how to aim a firearm, why you should hold your breath while shooting long ranges, why you should implement covering fire, why cover, manever, and flanking are all important docterines. At the same time with driving games, you learn how to counter-steer, drift, E-brake, and so forth. At the same time, an inconsequencial world might provoke actions that are "risky" for some.

    That video wasn’t as good as the other works The Onion has done like the Mac Wheel.

  8. Zero Beat says:

    You won’t be laughing when poor grammar causes the apocalypse.


    "That’s not ironic. That’s justice."

  9. finaleve says:

    I know a kid who plays wow a lot and has that grammar issue, though more or less the issue of capital letters and punctuation.

    Of course, my response is that he can be very much an idiot since right now I am, to the the best of my ability, using those said things.

  10. insanejedi says:

    Have fun reading Zippy’s responses in the future then. XD

    Edit: It just came to me that I don’t think people saying "KK LOLZ" on WoW is helping "traditional" grammer and sentence structuring.

  11. Arcanagos says:

    Fallout 3, COD5 zombie mode

    "Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend. Do it in the name of Heaven, Jack Thompson’ll justify it in the end." – nightwng2000

  12. Brokenscope says:

    Of course not, they don’t teach skills like baricading a building, finding water sources, and  conserving ammo.

  13. hellfire7885 says:

    Man, the people in Scholastic’s offices must have had a good laugh at that.

    Some will take literally anything they can get i nattempt’s to ban what they find offenisve I guess.

  14. MonkeyPeaches says:

    Anyone think Jack Thompson is going to take this news report seriously?

    Like church members, once sent Scholastic an Onion article that said kids were converting to Satanism because of Harry Potter, not realizing it was a joke.

  15. shamrock says:

    This is fantastic!! I say whatever contributes to society and our future is king in my books. Desensitize the children. Desensitize the future. I say Wiis for all. The we can live in a happy fit world. Isn’t that a lovely thought? Nintendo brings love, but are we doomed for the future? Shooters forever. Seriously though, perhaps this argument about the apocalypse and our kids, perhaps the next gen games will. Imagine how great and realistic the environments will look on our hi def tvs. Good or bad? Depends if you are a supporter of desensitizing our future…

    My sites Dora The Explorer & Tel Domain & GTA 5 cheats?

  16. babbleon says:

    Haha…if we go along with the arguments that video games teaches kids to become so-called "cop killers" and stuff, then definately, games would teach you to prepare for the apocalypse. Especially fallout 3.

  17. HarmlessBunny says:

    Of course they are! Afterall according to some, Games actually train your mind to do these tasks! So I now know that if the world goes to shit, I need to stockpile a couple flats of Coca-Cola…have a mountain of bottle caps, and get a shotgun and bolt action rifle! Oh and stay away from radioactive waste, it may turn you into a ghoul.

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