(The following editorial was written by a former member of GamerGate who felt so guilty and depressed about their participation in the movement that they felt compelled to write down their experiences and share them with the gaming community at large. Besides removing gender identifying pronouns (to protect the author's identity) and some light editing to correct spelling and grammatical errors, we have not modified the contents of this article. The opinions expressed in this editorial do not necessarily reflect the views of GamePolitics – editor.)
"I was once a #GamerGate supporter." Those words fill me with so many conflicting emotions. Once I turned my back on the consumer revolt, or harassment campaign (depending on who you ask), I reflected on my time within the group and why I participated. I left with crippling depression and as much hatred as when I joined, but this hatred wasn’t for the members of GG or its opposition. It was for myself.
At the time I was happy to be a part of the pushback against the tide of hate that I saw; a nebulous force commonly referred to by GG as "Social Justice Warriors." I hated the hypocritical and bigoted nature of this group. Doing hateful things in the name of justice was not justice in my eyes. I saw them as nothing but a blight on society and imagined that the world would be a better place without them.
I would watch videos discussing these people. I became bitter and angry. Why was the world not seeing this group for what they were? Creating hashtags such as #KillAllMen, laughing at male victims of rape and abuse. That was not justice, that was hate disguised as empowerment.
I saw the pedestal that people like Anita Sarkeesian were put on by the media and I didn’t like it. I initially agreed with her world view. "Women are oppressed!" That was a fact. At least it was to me. Women in games are nothing but sex objects. Scantily clad female characters were harmful to women.
At first I focused on the unrealistic representation of women in media. But I began to think the portrayal of men was completely absurd too. I also realized that it was easy to ignore the men who dealt with body confidence issues every day. They did not suffer the same way women did. This is not to say the media’s portrayal of women (and men) is fine. It isn’t. But those were the reasons why I personally adopted this world view.
But I used all of this rhetoric as a way to avoid dealing with my own body confidence issues too. The hatred I felt for my own appearance lead me down a sex negative path. I could avoid dealing with my own inadequacies by putting the blame onto society.
I started to see things differently, through a lens of anger. I don’t remember what changed my views at the time, but it started to lead me down a path of hatred.
I saw Zoe Quinn as the epitome of the "Social Justice Warrior." That was her crime and it was a good enough excuse to hate her. At least to me. I had never heard of this woman before, though I had played her game Depression Quest. I remember remarking to my partner that a female developer had made a game about depression, a condition I was dealing with and how people were harassing her because of it.
I wanted to support a female developer if I could. I liked her game. Having more women in video games could only lead to a better industry all around.
When the endless threads started appearing (and disappearing) on social media sites discussing "The Zoe Post" all I wanted to know is "why?" Why was this woman so special?
Why was everyone protecting her? The media crucified Max Tempkin (the creator of Cards Against Humanity). Both stories were sex scandals. The press seemed to take the ball and run with that story, almost relishing in the drama. They were attempting to destroy this man’s life for clicks, in my mind. So why was Zoe's story so different? This infuriated me. It was just another example of the "Social Justice Warriors" being corrupt and censoring anyone who dared to question them.
It never crossed my mind at the time that this was no one else’s business but the two parties involved. This was not a juicy piece of gossip to be spread across the internet, this was someone else’s life. Looking back now, I can’t imagine how humiliating it must have been for Zoe. To have your whole life laid out in front of the world for people to discuss and make comments on must have been horrifying to endure.
I understand Eron must have been hurting too, but I don’t agree with what he did. I don’t think anyone should be putting their dirty laundry out on public display. Ironically, I never read The Zoe Post, though I would act as if I had in conversation.
Increasingly angry with the media blackout regarding the Zoe Post and the special treatment this woman was receiving, I was ready for a fight. This was where I was to make my stand against the “Social Justice Warriors” and I had no intention of losing.
I didn't care about the "gamers are dead" articles. I feigned outrage to hide my true intentions. I was not interested in "ethics in games journalism." I only cared when it aligned with my hatred of these Social Justice Warriors. I was able to hide my lack of knowledge of the "issues" fairly well.
Around the time the events that started GG began to pick up momentum, a family member had to take a business trip abroad. They would be away for six weeks, though their company would not pay for the cost to put their two pets into kennels. Kennel costs for that amount of time would run up a bill they could not afford. Being unemployed at the time and my family member being in a bind, I wanted to help. All I needed was some food and an internet connection and I was happy. This also meant I would be away from my partner for six weeks too. But I figured I could handle it. I had the internet, what else could I possibly need?!
I started to become more involved in the GG hashtag and engaging with other Twitter users. Each day I was eager for the next revelation that would shine a light on the hypocritical and corrupt nature of the Social Justice Warriors. It was never ending fuel for my hatred.
Through GG I was able to find people who would listen to what I had to say. Other people had just as much loathing for the SJW's as I did. I made friends. We would laugh together at the absurd behavior of our opposition. I had found a community.
Perhaps it felt so good to be part of this community – any community – because I was unemployed, isolated from my partner, and lonely. Whatever the reasons, it felt right at the time.
I was finally getting the attention I so desperately craved, but I was terrified.
What if the community I had joined would turn on me if I said something they did not agree with? I was walking on a tightrope. I desperately wanted people to like me, it’s a character flaw I possess. I would say whatever I thought people wanted to hear. I was terrified of losing what I had gained. I would do anything to not be lonely anymore. I constructed every tweet carefully to avoid this outcome.
My family member came back from their business trip and I returned home to be with my partner, but things were tense between us. I spoke to my partner constantly about GG. It was all I could talk about. All I seemed to care about. Gleefully divulging the latest news, though I could tell they didn’t care.
How could they not care? The Social Justice Warriors were the scum of the Earth and needed to be taken down! My partner didn’t know to the extent my hatred went. I would ramble on occasionally about the SJW’s previously, but not to the extent I did with GG.
During one of my frequent tirades, my partner blurted out, "Do you realize how hateful you sound? This is not the person I fell in love with."
This shook me to my core. If a person who loved me saw me as hateful, what must I look like to others? But I didn’t want to give up the attention I was receiving. I couldn’t lose the community I had found. I was doing the right thing, they just didn’t understand.
I was not medicating my depression properly and my health was deteriorating. I would comfort myself by overeating and drinking. I spent all day on Twitter hardly moving from my chair. I was rapidly putting on weight.
The hate I saw on all sides was getting to me. The endless quote mining each side would do to provide more fuel to the fire. Grabbing screens from Twitter and exclaiming, "Look what Gooblegabbers/SJW’s have said now!!"
Very few people seemed interested in discussing ethics or women in gaming. It was indulging in hatred for the sake of it. What was this accomplishing exactly? Both sides were as bad as each other, though they would each exclaim "But we are the good guys!"
I would cry often about GG. I had contemplated suicide many times. I found myself daydreaming how much better I would feel if I were to fall asleep and never wake up. I would be free from the burning hatred I felt. My partner tried to console me, though clearly they were at their wits end.
"This is all ridiculous! Why are you doing this?"
Why was I doing this? What was I gaining from this? Was I happy? No. I was more miserable than ever. For the community? I was scared they would turn on me. Attention? I was getting that, but why did I want the attention so badly?
I began to question my motives. Why did I hate the Social Justice Warriors so much? "Because they are hateful and hypocritical people," I told myself. But how was I any better?
Why did I hate Zoe Quinn so much? Because she was a Social Justice Warrior. Or was it that I was jealous of her? She was an independent game developer who had a game greenlit on Steam – something I aspired to do – with countless friends and supporters.
I was unemployed and living off my partner's earnings. I had no friends. I barely left the house due to social anxiety. I was stuck indoors all day playing games and doing nothing with my life.
I was terrified to get a job.
"Who would want to employ me? I’m useless at everything I do."
I had never had a proper job because I was too scared to fail. I couldn’t take the chance of bruising my fragile ego by being rejected.
I was not contributing to the household. I was holding myself and my partner back from having a better life together.
I hated myself.
I was the problem.
This revelation hurt me deeply. It was never about the Social Justice Warriors at all. I was projecting my own self-loathing onto them.
I finally knew what I had to do. I removed everything GG-related from my life and refused to look back. It was a decision I do not regret for one moment.
It helped me get back into activities I had long forgotten I'd enjoyed. I started eating nutritious food again and cut back on the amount of alcohol I consumed, while doing regular light exercise.
I finally started properly medicating my depression. I still have a long way to go before I am healed, but it’s a start.
While reading back what I have written, I’m disgusted with myself. But I am not that person anymore. This does not negate the damage I have done to other people, however.
Hatred is easy, but understanding and self evaluation is hard.
I want to apologize for the things I have said and done throughout GG.
I want to apologize to Zoe Quinn. I took what was happening to you and used it as an excuse to avoid dealing with my own depression. I was unwell and refused to evaluate my own life.
I liked your game and I thank you for talking about depression, I know how debilitating the illness can be first hand. Keep making games.
To my partner, I want to tell you how sorry I am. You helped me realize how sick I really was. You comforted me at my lowest points, even though you knew I was wrong. I’m sorry I haven’t contributed to our future, but I want to change that so we can live a happier life together.
I will get better. I will never go back to the dark place I came from. That is a promise to everyone I intend to keep.
***
GamePolitics would like to thank the author of this article for sharing their personal experiences with our readers. We hope it provides you with some closure and we acknowledge your courage in writing it.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or anxiety, there are resources available to get the help you need at www.mentalhealth.gov. There are also some great resources at www.nami.org.
